26 July 2006

oh, what the hell, might as well post that other track mentioned earlier.

pavement - "box elder" (from the westing (by musket & sextant) lp, available for purchase here.)

next monday, it'll be a year on from the day i thought i'd left new jersey forever.

two songs ran through my head, either transmitted through headphones or transmitted by synapses. one was "regret" by new order; the other was "box elder." i fixed on one lyric, "i had to get the fuck out of this town." alone in my car, singing along, i would try different inflections, to make "fuck" sound as definitive & as permanent as possible.

the move was neither definitive nor permanent. a year later, i've never felt more provincial & happy to be so. i thought that the problem was w/ this state & not w/ me. i thought that a change of scene would do me good, that i could lose my giant on one of the hudson crossings. the fault, dear reader, was in myself. you know, classic moody jersey boy, stuck always between philly & nyc & everyone knows this is nowhere & anywhere is better than nowhere. "born to run" & all that--but run to where, exactly? & where did bruce end up, anyway? back where he started. me, too.

a distant voice, who has gathered near once more, said she was proud that i made a choice, hoping that wouldn't sound too patronizing. she's right. last year, i was caught up in a motion that subsumed my own, pushed along on a wave of flattery & praise. this year, i made a choice--i've made a number of them, actually. small things--cooking more, cutting my own hair, &c.--that led to bigger things : dropping a bad habit, starting a new job. i'm kinda scared shitless. but i've become too complacent & so i've resolved to do more things that scare the shit out of me.

so "box elder" still appeals. but i've gotten past the f word--have gotten past a lot of things, recently. i've moved on down the lyric sheet and elsewhere. for me, it's about going places & not necessarily about destinations. i don't want my feet to get rooted to the ground, though, & so every morning, i make sure to ask myself, where to next?

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