20 September 2006

(a friend said, "i'm sorry, i know you were only trying to do the right thing." i said, "ha, well, if certain people are to believed, i only try to do the right thing when it can serve as a convenient cover for my baser wants & selfish desires" (as if they confused who i am w/ the name of this website, and but they did). i'm not sure why i try to do the right thing; it hasn't gotten me v. far--months ago, i thought of turning evil or scientologist.

another said, "shoot her down as much as you want ... tell her to go fuck herself." ah, that's why one has friends, to say such impossible, bizarrely gratifying things! that's why one (listen)s to lou reed, too, whose "somebody else would have broken both of her arms" is something that same friend would have agreed w/.

and yet through a statement like that, one is reminded how removed even your closest friend is from you, b/c they could never understand why what they say isn't a feasible course of action; they could never understand why lou would say somebody else would have broken both of her arms. simply, that person meant something, means something, and you'd feel a phantom pain if they lost a limb.

other statements, like one i heard tonight, reminded me w/ great sadness how far removed--from myself, from how i perceived things--even someone whom, for a time, was closer to me than anyone else alive. just goes to show how wrong you can be--or how wrong they can be--& both. b/c something she said caught the attention of the man in the moon and made him sing this song.

i said to her, "i'm not feeling better now," and i should have added, "but i will." and i can b/c i know she's reading this. it stings now, but it's a flesh wound, on skin i'm due to shed any minute. i've a new job, a new life, a new love interest, and something really, really new to me: purpose.

for now, though, i dedicate a few songs to someone and raise a glass to the past, and yet i can't quite shake the feeling that she must have been drinking alone awhile before she said what she did, else she saw through that glass, darkly.)

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