on the train: okay, today was a bit more like it. sure, only a small handful of people got on the train, including a carribean man who was beside himself when he realized that the hijackers only had knives and yet no one tried to stop them on all flights but one. i've thought similarly until i heard that they told passengers that they had a bomb -- how do you know for sure? how would even an air marshal know, really?

today was about quiet on the train, it was about having your own seat -- while most business above 14th st. were going back to work, it sure didn't seem that way to the trained eye of the commuter. normally, by the fifth stop or so, there'd be someone trying to squeeze in beside you ("can i get in there?"), forcing you to change the positioning of your legs. and that's just the ones who got seats; a place to sit, by bergen county, comes at a premium. but, no, today silence reigned.

the path train to 33rd st., on the other hand, was comfortably full and fully uncomfortable -- a fact which made me want to kiss the swollen knee of the portly gentleman who squeezed in next to me. prior to departure, i made a quick scan of the contents of the train: there were the three early twentysomethings, just out of school, who get out at 23rd st.; there's the gay guy who's on my train who walks really fast; oh, look, there's the elderly woman who's always reading the bible and who seems to be on her second go-round by now. i've never spoken to any of these people, don't even know their names (though i've assigned them ones according to their personality traits), and yet if i didn't see them, my day would be even more off; in their own anonymous way, they lend balance to the proceedings, particularly in these trying times.

i don't even want to think about those who took the world trade center train, a train i took myself for a month until construction began on the n/r subway line and necessitated me finding a new route, after which i never looked back. i took comfort -- after tuesday, the meaning of words and their relationships with each other were changed forever -- i took comfort in believing that their businesses were destroyed and they had no reason to come in to the city, even as many companies begin having meetings at temporary headquarters throughout the city. didn't want to think that there used to be two trains that went to the world trade center, leaving every four minutes and filled to capacity and beyond, and that, while this train was full, it wasn't quite full enough.

when i arrived home, to the train station lot, i looked around. i'm trying not to think about the fact that that blue ford was here tuesday morning, was here after my four hour exodus out of new york, was here yesterday morning when i ventured alone into new york and that afternoon when i got back, is here now and it hasn't moved from the same spot. i'm really trying.